I do have to say, that was a better Valentine’s Day than I could have possibly imagined ever. I had a wonderful time, couldn’t ask for anything more. You take my breath away sometimes… you might wanna stop or someday you’ll kill me. Thank you so so much for everything <3. A day like that is worth waiting two weeks to see you again :P (I guess). Love youu.

But the holiday itself is still dumb… okay fine, maybe I don’t hate it thatttt much anymore. How could I?

Oh, and thanks for your wonderfully sentimental poem? Hahaha.

<9

Christmas time is my favorite time of year… usually. Somehow how or another, there is always something that throws it off, that makes it less spectacular than I’d like it to be. This year, it was school work. (Which tends to happen a lot). But finally, I’m hoping I can get into the Christmas spirit. Sure, Christmas Eve might be in two days… but oh well. I’m not going to waste those two days away. I love Christmas. I love the decorations, the lights, the food, the cookies, the shopping, the whole atmosphere. Although let’s be honest, 60 degree weather on December 22 isn’t too ideal, even for a warm weather lover like me. But I’ll deal with it.  

I remember as a little kid December was the month that never would end… or at least the month that took 10,000,000 years to get to the 25th day. I would stare at my advent calendars… Wishing it could be the 17th instead of the 7th, or the 24th instead of 22nd. It was literally torture, waiting for Christmas. It was my favorite day of the entire year. The night of December 24th, I could never sleep. I would lay in my bed with my eyes squeezed shut trying to force myself to fall asleep, to the point where I would get frustrated. Then I’d wake up at 5…. and freak out because I still had to wait a ANOTHER hour. Then finally, after it had seemed like years, my brothers and I would run into my parents room and jump on their bed with them. We would tell them to hurry up so we could go downstairs as soon as possible. My dad would then yell at us and tell us to be quiet.. or we would scare Santa away if he happened to be down there right at that very moment. So we quietly sat in the bed while he went downstairs to make sure he already came and was gone… (and, he would turn the Christmas tree lights on a special setting that are never on, only on Christmas morning). He would always come back up and tell us that Santa didn’t come, or that the dog scared him away, or he was still down there. But we always knew he was kidding- told him he was being silly. So then the moment where we could walk down the stairs in age order (whether it be youngest to oldest or oldest to youngest) finally arrived, and we’d walk into the living room with the pretty lights and a present covered room. It was the most wonderful sight to me. I loved it. As a kid, I’d say I could live in that moment forever.

But then came the days where I learned Santa wasn’t real… which I mean, wasn’t too big of a deal, I still loved Christmas. Only instead of forcing myself to sleep Christmas Eve, I’d turn all my lights off in my room and peek out the window to try and see my parents bringing gifts in from the car. Or listen carefully to what was going on downstairs.

And then came the days where sleep was more important to me than the anticipation of Christmas morning… where I’d much rather just be able to at least sleep till 7:30, rather than be woken up by my brothers at 5:45. The days where I barely enjoy the month of December because I’m swamped with busy-ness and plans and school work. These are the days I live in now, sadly.

But it’s not all negative… there are some positive things too. With older age comes more maturity (not saying I’m mature, but I mean… yeah.) I no longer look forward to Christmas for the presents, which was pretty much what got me most excited as a kid. I look forward to the love in the day, the atmosphere. More than anything I love watching my brothers open their gifts and getting excited. (Which, doesn’t happen as often anymore). But I just love the giving, the caring, everything that goes along with it. It makes me melt. It’s so warm and happy.

There were also really sucky Christmases too though. Young and old. One Christmas I was really really sick… I couldn’t eat anything because I had a stomach bug. It was the most miser bale Christmas ever. And I missed out on some good stuff :/ I wasn’t really able to enjoy the day. I just felt crappy. And another Christmas my brother was really sick…  with the stomach bug as well. He was throwing up. It broke my heart because he was just so miserable and sad opening his presents and stuff. Like it REALLY broke my heart. And then him and my dad had to stay home from Christmas dinner at my cousins’. 

Then of course, there was two Christmases ago. Uhm, not one my favorites. The start of my Christmas break started very unhappily…  The day before Christmas Eve, I bawled my eyes out. Not at all the Christmas spirit. It was just bad. It wasn’t fun, and even in those moments I couldn’t stop thinking to myself “My Christmas is ruined, I’m miserable, how am I going to enjoy myself, the presents mean nothing, I just wanna be happy, blah blah blah.” I mean, Christmas ended up fine. But I was kind of broken on the inside… and well, I don’t know. It just wasn’t right. Nothing was right. Last Christmas wasn’t much better, either.

On the other hand, there is something very different about this Christmas, from all other Christmases in my entire life. I noticed I didn’t really want a lot this year- I could barely make up a list for my parents. I could barely think of anything, I told my entire family that I just wanted money. That’s the first time I’ve done that. It’s probably because I’m being more practical, but I think it’s something else too.

This Christmas, unlike every other Christmas, I have received the one thing I’ve always truly wanted. The one thing that I always knew would outweigh any gift I could possibly want. The one thing I would pay millions and billions of dollars for. It’s the hardest gift to get- you can’t buy it. It’s priceless.

Ever since like, the 5th grade, I’ve wished for it. I always wanted it more than anything else. Let’s be honest, I’m just like any other girl. “All I Want for Christmas is You” isn’t just another Christmas song to girls, it’s like- their anthem. It’s almost depressing though. Something inside you is just never truly happy without it. And at a time of year like Christmas, it hits you hardest, with all the love and joy and caring nature in the air.

We all just want the gift of being loved.

Someone to hold our hand in the cold weather. Someone to kiss under the mistletoe. Someone to smile and laugh with, and enjoy the holiday season with. Someone to snuggle by the fire place with hot chocolate and watch movies with.

And guess what? I GOT IT. I finally got it. All I’ve ever wanted, more than anything in the entire universe… you.

I don’t know how I’m so lucky, or why. But it’s just funny how I look back about a year from this day, 2 years from this day, and realize how much has changed. For the better. So much for the better. I have something now that no one else could possibly understand until they have it for themselves. I didn’t just get what I had always wished for… I got more.

So to be blunt, while other girls mope about being alone on Christmas, I am content. And I’ve never been happier in my entire life. I don’t want much this Christmas- because I have you. I have everything I could possibly want. What else do I need? Not a thing. You are the most precious gift anyone could ever receive. And you’re MINE. All year round :)

I think I’ll have a great Christmas, probably my best. Because no matter what, I have the greatest gift of all, and there’s not a thing that could ruin that. That little empty space that appears in your heart at Christmas time, longing for someone to love and someone to love you, is overflowing. My heart is filled to the brim. I couldn’t possibly be happier.

So, Merry Christmas Bagel. I love you with all my heart. Thank you for making my dreams come true.

I can’t even put into words how grateful I am that you came to visit me today :) I missed you so much this week… and I was looking forward to today so badly. SO badly. And then it went terribly wrong :( But it’s okay, because I still got to see you. And as you tend to magically do all the time, you brightened my day. It was almost as if all the pain went away while you were here. And I don’t mean that as a mental thing.. Okay well yeah, I guess it was a mental thing. But I felt so much better with you sitting next to me, holding my hand, kissing my head. Everything was right again, everything back into place. I needed you so badly…

You did more than enough to make me happy- because I’m more than happy :) I love you so much. Thank you for everything. The movies, the chocolate, the pillow, and most importantly, your presence. <3

I want to write you a wonderful love letter… but I don’t think I can do it right now. I think I’m going to pass out…

I have a tummy ache and a headache. And I can’t really function. Plus, I need to wait for my new keyboard to come in so I can type like a normal person again :P

But, nonetheless, I love you lots. And I know I was a drag today- I even took a nap. I’m sorry for that. But you should know that I’m very grateful for you because days like this make me wonder what I would do without you. I would probably die. I guess it’s just the fact that you’re always there whenever I need you- for anything. I love that about you, so don’t ever change. Your caring nature is what makes you, you. 

Everyone should be jealous of me :P. Why? because I have the best boyfriend in the world <3.

Brian. My Bagel. Please cheer up, please. Your numbness is driving me insane, it’s so sad. I hate seeing you like this. It’s the worst feeling in the world to see you so down and not be able to help. I can’t even give you a hug. I can’t stand that. It’s a good thing I see you soon. I’m actually very excited.

I’m falling asleep a bit as I write this, so it will probably be short and sweet. Brian I don’t want you to worry about what we talked about before. It honestly is not a big deal at all. I think you just are very aware of your protectiveness, so you’re taking it really hard on yourself. You’ve always been a little like- worried about it. You’ve always thought it was a bother, I remember conversations from the past. But I guess now that I said it to you directly, and brought it up, you’re taking it really hard. Althoughhh, when I said the whole hasn’t gotten better thing, I DID NOT mean our relationship. Omg never. 

Our relationship is beautiful. You give me so much love and so much affection that it’s unreal. And I do totally take it for granted. Because you’re amazing. I don’t give you the credit you deserve for being the best boyfriend alive. Everything you do is perfect, everything you do is right. And I’m being 100% honest when I say I don’t want you to change a thing. Because I love you from the very bottom of my soul all the way to the bottom of your soul, flaws and all. Your flaws and good points are what make you you, and I love you. I don’t want a fixed up Brian, I don’t want all this change, you know how I feel about too much change. I just want my beautiful, adorable, sweet, funny, hot sexy Brian back. (Well you’re always hot and sexy. Well you’re always all of those things actually). It’s likeee.. bringing your favorite old car to the repair shop. And they fix all these little things that you loved about it, even if they were technically flaws/unimportant things. They were the original, they made the car unique and special. Gave it character. 

I don’t lose that from you. I love the little things you do. I love how much you care about me and want to protect me. You value me. I was crazy to ever think you cared about me too much, because I now realize that I need you to care about me. No one else even does. I want you to love me like that. I want you to protect me, to look after me. Brian I need you. I want you to stay just the way you are, because you are my Brian and I can’t lose you. I just can’t. Even losing you right at this very moment is killing me- you’re not yourself. And I’m dying. And if you do something to make you not yourself anymore permanently…. I’ll be devastated. I swear on my life that what you’re doing is perfect. You don’t need to change. Maybe you won’t forget, but you should, because it’s irrelevant now. It doesn’t matter, I don’t care. I fucking love you. 

You are my world. Please feel better. 

<6

So Brian. You should really stop freaking out about “the thing” I was thinking about the other day while I was straightening my hair. It really isn’t that big of a deal at all, it was just a lot of putting things together and trying to figure what has been bothering me so much- even though it doesn’t really have anything to do with bothering me, it still all came to mind. And my thoughts came together as I pretty much just like evaluated and analyzed the status of our relationship.  You’re right, that does sound bad, but it really isn’t. I slowly began to figure out everything that had been sitting in the back of my mind I guess. Idk. It was just like YEAH EPHIPHANY.

Remember on Saturday when I was crying when I saw you? I really didn’t have a good reason as to why. I guess lately I’ve been scared. I’ve missed you a lot, and we’ve had a lot of conflicts and disagreements and arguments and issues for the past two weeks. We can both agree it was pretty bad. But like… there were reasons as to why it was so bad. There are always reasons.

For one, we were both stressed.  Stress is a very bad and a very draining thing.  And for me, your stress adds to my stress. Because, on top of everything I have to do and am stressing about, I feel responsible for trying to destress you as well. And I suck at it because well, when I’m stressed, I can’t do a very good job. And that just doubles the amount of stress for me. And then you get upset… and it’s just bad. See. Stress is bad :( For both of us.

Now, getting into my Sunday thoughts. I LOVED Sunday, and the reason I had these thoughts while I was straightening my hair on Sunday was because of how different that day was. Here’s where you are going to completely disagree with me. I liked that day because, I don’t know if you remember, but you didn’t talk to me much the whole day- you were studying.  It’s not that I enjoyed not talking to you… I love talking to you. But it felt good to me, and I was very content with it and I found it appealing to my needs/wants. But the big question here is why.

There are multiple reasons, I think. For one, I knew by the end of the day, I was going to see you. So it was kind of like a reward, you know?

 Secondly, the fact that you were using your time productively and wisely and made the decision to NOT talk to me in order to do that made me HAPPY. As your girlfriend, yes I want you to love me, but I always want you to what’s best for you. So, (this is where I think we differ a little bit) I don’t mind when you put things like your schoolwork before me. I don’t mind if you sacrifice time to talk or be with me to do something else. I know you love me, but I DON’T want to hold you back.

Thirdly, this lack of talking gave me time to alsooo get a lot of stuff done. Since I talk to you all the time… I don’t actually realize how much more focused I am when I’m not texting or oovooing you :P (Hehe you’re such a distraction) . I really did get a lot done… and I’m the kind of person who feels really good after being productive. And then to top that all off, I felt like I was being rewarded for that when I finally got to talk to you/see you.

Now, there is one thing I can conclude from putting allll that together. For me at least, that whole situation made me feel a lot less stressed. And when I am less stressed, and you’re less stressed, and we’re both doing our best to accomplish stuff- I honestly believe that that puts less stress on our relationship.  I must have written the word stress like ten thousand times in this entry but that’s cause it’s the main ongoing theme here.  I truly think that one of the main reasons we’ve had so much fighting and stuff is because we’re under a lot of pressure and stress. It’s always the foundation for both of us being in bad moods. Then we start to blame each other, when really the root of the problem was that we were both pushing ourselves too hard and stressing each other out.

So yeah. That was my theory on the stress thing.

Which kinda led me to this conclusion, which I will also have to elaborate more on: Maybe we should talk to each other less? Come up with a compromise?

I KNOW you’re immediate reaction to that was no fucking way. And that’s because our needs from this relationship are different. Way different. Which is what I had been referring to when I said I was analyzing our personalities :P

You want to talk to me as much as possible, every moment of every day. Because you love talking to me, because you want to make sure I’m okay, and know what I’m up to. Talking to me makes you happy, and keeps you calm, because you enjoy it and like keeping occupied with it whenever you can. None of that is a bad thing- I just feel differently about it.

When it comes to talking to you, I need you the most like… at night, in the evening. When I’m finished with my work, winding down, relaxed, going to bed, etc.  I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed, but that’s when you usually can hold the best conversation with me. I’m just more… myself at the time. It’s a little weird, but its how I am. Evenings are my thing. My brain starts functioning.

Your ideal situation: Talk to me as much as possible.

But here’s my ideal common school day: I text you in the morning when I wake up, and send you a picture. We talk until I go to the bus. Then, I talk to you again once I’m HOME from school. We can tell eachother bits and pieces about our day…. But then cease conversation once I start doing homework and such, giving you time to do whatever you like. Study, etc. Because even though this whole little plan here seems as though its revolving around me (which okay it totally is) it also can benefit you. Don’t tell me you couldn’t use a little time to yourself to study without distraction, because I KNOW it would help you, I KNOW it would help with your stress too, and I KNOW you need it :P. And I’m not saying there’s like.. Specific rules like youre not allowed to text me. Just not really full blown conversation. It’s also different if you’re having a really bad day and you need me, like your exam days and stuff. Different days call for different circumstances, but my point is I don’t think we need to talk to each other ALL the time. I don’t have a problem with it, I just feel like it would honestly put less stress on our relationship. I’m not proposing this to benefit me, I’m proposing it to benefit us.  But anyway, then after that large gap of not really chatting away… I’ll probably eat dinner or something, etc. And THEN, once I’m all settled down for the most part, and evening approaches… we can put aside time for each other only. We can oovoo, or whatever is convenient at the time, and we can each talk about how our day was. This is my reward, relaxation time after a long day. If I take the time without distraction to get everything done, then I will be able to give you my FULL attention for the rest of the night.  And hopefully, we can each be a little less stressed by that time, even on a stressful day, because we were both being as productive as possible and working through the stress.

Is anything I’m saying here making sense? I’m trying… and I know for a fact you’re like gagging over this idea, and you’re gonna say I don’t love you or something. 

Well here’s my response to that. I love you a LOT. But the idea of like, saving up the chance to talk to you until the end of the day is just very appealing to me. It gives me more of the urge to talk to you more. Once again its like getting rewarded. Making pointless conversation is silly when we both are trying to get stuff done.  We might as well set aside special more valuable time for each other and each other only.. You know? Kinnnnda like Sunday. I loved that. I just loved it. Everything felt perfect to me, I’m not sure why.

Our personalities both require getting attention from each other. And yes Brian, I love the fact that you always wanna talk to me… but I  literally want nothing more than for you to just stop being so stressed, and I know if I’m not taking up so much of your time that you Will get more done, and you will do better in school. You can’t deny it.

I guess what I’m saying is that I think it would be beneficial for each of us to give each other  more space. I have  feeling you will  disagree, but I want you to think about it. And obviously I also want you to tell me how you feel. This is kinda why I wanted to TALK to you about it, not write some big proposal novel. Though this was the best way for me to gather and put down my thoughts.

Sorry If this was hard to follow and like really badly written. Haha I know it was.  But really my main objective here is to converse about this… maybe come up with a compromise.  Idk. All these thoughts had come to me on Sunday because of how that day went. Your little sporadic messages throughout the day, and then our fun trip. It felt good to me, though I know you didn’t like it. I was so proud of you for putting your foot down and doing what you needed to do to benefit yourself. I think  you know me well enough to know that I kinda like it when you neglect me a bit… that sounds terrible but if you think about it, it does apply to me. It goes along with the whole…. She’ll start to chase after you once you stop chasing after her kind of thing… get mah drift? That’s kinda how I am. I yearn for you more when you don’t give me everything you have. Get it? You, however, are like the completely opposite, which is why we differ :P We like to get our attention in different manners.

So yeah I was repetitive and terrible with this. I apologize . Good luck interpreting my psychotic thoughts. And tell me whatcha think.  And I’m perfectly anticipating you to completely disagree, so just be honest. Hahaha. 

Still working on getting my thoughts out on the other writing thingy. Its kinda difficult. I have to… recall everything and elaborate and such. The finished product is probably going to be a bit confusing and scattered… so sorry :( And i’ll finish it… sometime in the near future :P

Smiles :)

Hello Brian!

I would just like to inform you that Casey has been doing very well this week. Her Monday and Tuesday were very busy… and she has been getting into bed a little later than her typical school nights. Of course, she is stressed out 80% of the time, but she was able to have a decently chill day today I observed. She sat at her desk for what must have been almost two hours sketching and doodling. I believe she’s going to give the paper to you. She also listened to music and scrolled through tumblr pages. I could tell that she was having a good day. 

I laugh to myself every time I hear her phone ring- she grabs it immediately and reads it, as tonight the messages have been a bit more scarce than usual. It is quite obvious that she misses you, my dear Brian. And of all people (or animals, if you’d prefer to say that) I would know. I’m the one she snuggles with at night… the tighter the grip, the more she misses you. I can feel it. Sometimes she’ll kiss my little beak or top of my head. She’ll dig her face into me as I soak up her tears. Don’t tell her this, but sometimes I feel a little guilty because I feel as though looking at me makes her more sad. I see it in her eyes, day after day. She loves you so much Brian, I promise you that. I mean, I can’t read minds, but I can tell. 

Well, I should get off Casey’s laptop before she gets angry… she’s spent a lot of time in the bathroom though. I miss you Brian, hopefully I’ll get to see you soon. Oh, and good luck on your exams and such! Don’t stress, Casey and I are here to support you :). 

Sincerely, 

Captain Cuddles.